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The Navy Lark - Mr Phillips Promotion


'No matter what your occupation, there's always the possibility that you'll find a typed written bomb on your desk when you get to the office in the morning. The Royal Navy is no exception to this rule, but in some ways its even worse - because your typed written bomb is on official paper, and has rumber stamps on it - which demand immediate action, or you'll be 'scrubing the decks mate'. Captain Povey is about to find he has one of these explosive communications on his desk as he settles in his faded, immitation leather, plastic covered, badly sprung, office chair this morning....'


Povey is shocked to find he has got a message from Whitehall that they are thinking of promoting Sub Lieutenant Phillips. He asks WRN Chasen to signal Troutbridge to tell Phillips to get to his office as soon as possible. Three seconds later Mr Phillips knocks on the door. When asked how he got there so quickly, Mr Phillips tells him CPO Pertwee told him the signal was coming days ago

'I suppose he has a cousin in the signals office?'

'No, a nephew who empties the wastepaper baskets after the Appointments Board meetings!'

Later on Troutbridge Pertwee is complaining to No.1 about Phillips, who has been full of himself since the news of his promotion, 'The prospect of promotion does seem to have gone to his head a little!' Mr Phillips then comes in with a signal telling him to be at the Admirls ship the following day for his exam board. Murray advises Phillips to revise, but Phillips claims is it not neccessary,

'And this from someone whop thinks that the Plimsole Mark is a footprint from a dirty gym shoe!' 'Well - isn't it?'

The following day the launch arrives to take SL Phillips to the flagship. Murray and Pertwee go to Phillips' cabin, but get no response. Then Pertwee has an idea,

'Oi, Admiral'

'Yes who is it?'

They go in and are astounded by what Mr Phillips is wearing. He explains that he went to the naval tailors to have his uniform checked for the extra gold band he'll receive and that, 'One can't come out without buying somthing, can One?'. Pertwee and Murray tell Phillips he should change:

'Whats wrong with it?'

'Starting from the top?'

'If you insist'

'One wears One's Admirals hat from north to south Sir, not from east to west'

'Neither does One wear a Feild Marshal's plumbs in it!'

'Oh I thought they'd brighten it up abit'

'Item 3, one ceramonial sword is usually considered sufficent - not two'

'Well.. one's for week days'

'Item 4 - it's not considered authentic rig to wear spurs with seaboots!'



They finally arrive at the flagship where Phillips is introduced to the exam board, Captain Hardcastle, Commander Whetherby, Captain Atcherson ('aaaaaaa Aaaaaaa AAAAAaaaa AAAAAAAAAAAchooo') and the president of the board.... Captain Povey, 'He never stood a chance!'. Phillips is questioned by the board, but leaves unsure as to the result.

A few days later the crew go to WRN Chasen to find out what happened and are rather surprised at the result, 'Mr Phillips was found Guilty!'

Unknown to Povey or the crew, all the promotion boards had been put back a week and the board was actually a court martial, but as no-one could remember what it was that Phillips was supposed to have done, he was let off

Taking part were:

WRN Chasen - Heather Chasen

Captain Povey - Richard Caldicot

Commander Murray - Stephen Murray

CPO Pertwee - Jon Pertwee

SL Phillips - Leslie Phillips

AS Goldstein - Tenniel Evans

Mr Queeg - Ronnie Barker

Captain Hardcastle - Tenniel Evans (?)

Captain Atcherson - Michael Bates

Commander Whetherby - Jon Pertwee

Written By: Laurie Wyman

Produced By: Alastair Scott Johnson