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The Navy Lark - Cuthbert Joins the Navy

'There comes a morning in every mans life when he's awakened by a prolonged and spinechilling high pitched scream, which denotes the vacuum cleaner is going full blast on the landing. And when Mrs Ramona Povey demeams herself by actually doing housework, it can only mean one of her family is coming to stay and Captain Povey must immediatly parade for - marital inspection....'


Pull yourself together and dont slouch.

Head up.

Shoulders back.

Chest out.

Abdobmen in.

Knees braced.

Heels together.

Toes at angle of 45 degrees and thumbs inline with the seems of ur nether garments.

This is how Captain Povey is told to great his nephew Cuthbert, 'on the wife's side you understand'. He is then informed by his beloved wife that Cuthbert is considering joining the navy and would like to try it out for a couple of days. Told to call the Admiral and organise it, Povey recounts the situation and the Admiral tells him to, 'bung him on a ship, sail him round the harbour until he's seasick and get rid of him'. So who does Povey choose to inflict Cuthbert on, why Troubridge of course.

On board ship, Commander Bell eventually tells them that Cuthbert is coming aboard. Minutes later Povey arrives and Cuthbert is introduced to the crew, 'don't bother, I shant be wanting to mix with the staff anyway.][Povey inform these sailer fellows that I am to be refered to as Mr Spinks'. Cuthbert announces that he's going to sit on the 'sun deck' and take china tea and a sweet biscuit, then leaves a flabber ghasted crew to hear Povey's instructions to put Cuthbert off joining the navy by any means neccessary.

After only day at sea the crew are not impressed with 'the rude crude prude' and start their campain to discourage Cuthbert in earnest.

The crew employ many and various tactics to put 'orrible Cuthbert off joining the navy:

Side to Side - 'left hand down a bit, right hand down a bit, left hand down a bit, right hand down a bit' the crew make the voyage as unpleasent as possible and as a result are informed that they'll be reported for drunk driving when Cuthbert gets back to port.

Rapid Manovers - Having failed in their side to side tactic, the crew then try back to front, 'if we get Trouvridge going full speed ahead, then stop dead, clot face Cuthbert might keep on going'. The plan fails and Cuthbert ends up 'spreadeagle against the flag pole'.'Oooh Nasty'.

Abandon Ship! - Pertwee starts sounding Abandon Ship outside Cuthbert's cabin while Johnson splashes water under the cabin door which has been wedged shut so that Cuthbert will jump out the port hole. The plan works, they think, and the occupent of the cabin jumps out of the port hole. Unfortunately it turns out that Cuthbert was in the Sickbay, 'sleeping off my unfortunate accident', and the person in the cabin was Commander Bell.

Back at Portsmouth, Cuthbert announces that 'The accomodation was inadequet, the food was inferior, the staff were insolent, the ship was inefficient, the weather was inclemment and the trip was intolerable' and that he must join the navy as they need 'the benefit of my experience'.

Pertwee has insisted in filling out Cuthbert's signing on papers, gets Cuthbert to sign them and says that he'll make sure they get to the right office personally. After Cuthbert has left Pertwee reveals that Cuthbert has signed on for '21 years as an ordinary rating'.

'Carry on Cheif, bung that form in, at the double'.

Taking part were:

Able Seaman Goldstein - Tenniel Evans

Able Seaman Johnson/Commander Bell - Ronnie Barker

Commander Murray - Stephen Murray

CPO Pertwee - Jon Pertwee

SL Phillips - Leslie Phillips

Ramona Povey - Heather Chasen

Cuthbert Spinks - Michael Bates

Captain Povey - Richard Caldicot

Written By: Laurie Wyman

Produced By: Alastair Scott Johnson