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The Navy Lark - Commodore Goldstein
Announcer:

'Nothing does a chap so much good as an evening out with the boys. It does him evem more good if the boys are paying for it. Unfortunaetly, when I'm out with them I find the boys have all mislaid their wallets, they've left their money in their other suits, or they all swear blind they thought the party was on me anyway! Needless to say, Troutbridge has at least one of that sort....'


Summary:


Able Seaman's Johnson, Ginger and Goldstein return from a night on the town. After piling out of the taxi Johnson finds himself paying the fare: Ginger's skint and Taffy, 'always disappears when its time t'pay for somethin'. After the taxi's gone Goldstein re-appears and explains he would pay for things if he'd got the promotion to Leading Seaman No.1 had promised him in Onabushka(sp?).

Johnson says he should join him on Requestmen and Defaulters in the morning to speak to No.1 about it.

In the morning, No.1, SL Phillips and CPO Pertwee are holding Requestmen and Defaulters. First in is Able Seaman Johnson who is covering for one of CPO Pertwee's countless scams, this one involving missing blankets from Stores, '(No.1 did an inspection this morning and we were three blankets short)[Is that all?](No but thats all he spotted!)' After Johnson is dealt with, Goldstaein comes in and unsuccsessfully pleads his case to be made a Leading Seaman, No.1 telling him he'll think about it.

SL Phillips and No.1 are called to Captain Povey's office to deal with a Dockyard Police report of Able Seaman Johnson smuggling blankets into the shipyard, '(Claims he bought them from Ebeneezer Pertwee's War Surplus Supplies Stores)'. Whilst in Captain Povey's office a message comes from Admiralty that Goldstein has been made a Commodore. Goldstein is told of his promotion '(Richly deserved I'd say and not before time neither)' and as his first act orders Troutbridge to set sail, with Povey '(I like to keep me Junior Officers on here with me)' still aboard. '[Where are we going?](Where do you think we're going, the place I've been trying to get to ever since I singed on. Swansea of course)'.

In Swansea, Troutbridge has been turned into a Pleasure Boat ferrying Goldstein's friends and relatives around Swansea Bay. Captain Povey has taken up permanent residence in the WT room praying for the signal that says Goldstein's promotion was all a mistake. The crew are all getting very tired of Goldstein and the sights of Swansea so Pertwee comes up with an idea so they can leave by 'accidentally' revealing to Goldsteins Aunt Morpeth that Troutbridge uses oil as fuel. Shunned by his Aunt for 'oyal burnin', something no self respecting Welshman should do, Goldstein is told by Aunt Morpeth to get his 'floatin den of wickedness from the Fair Land of Wales'. On the way back to Portsmouth the signal saying that Goldstein's promotion was all a mistake finally arrives and Goldstein returns to being an Able Seaman.

A short time after, and unsuprisingly, Troutbridge runs aground. Povey is extatic as he sees this as an opportunity to get back at Goldstein, unaware that Goldstein is now an Able Seaman again. Povey is preparing to make a 'Full report' when he is informed that he was Senior Officer at the time the ship ran aground and therefore responsible. Goldstein takes this opportuninty to say that he'd still like to be Leading Seaman, to which povey replies 'I'll consider it'.



Taking part were:


Aunt Morpeth/WREN Chasen - Heather Chasen

Able Seaman Goldstein - Tenniel Goldstein

Able Seaman Ginger/Lieutenant Bates - Michael Bates

Able Seaman Johnson - Ronnie Barker

Commander Murray - Stephen Murray

CPO Pertwee - Jon Pertwee

SL Phillips - Leslie Phillips

Captain Povey - Richard Caldicot



Written By: Laurie Wyman

Produced By: Alastair Scott Johnson


"Requestmen and Defaulters": This is when the crew can make a request (advancement, leave etc) or are found guilty, as often the case was, for misdemeanours like drunk ashore, late returning to ship etc. It is like a mini court where the officer presiding (Officer of the Day, First Lieutenant, Commander or Captain) with the Master-at-Arms (equivalent of policeman in charge of rules and regulations), meet the crewman and the sailors Divisional Officer (who represents the sailor - in cases of miscinduct). The procedure is for the sailor to be marched in, stand in front of the table (small desk that is about stomach high when standing - everyone stands) salutes and "off caps" where he takes his cap off. The request or misdemeanour is read out, the sailor is allowed a brief response, the Divisional Officer then says anything in the sailors favour. The request is then granted/not granted or the sentence is then read out. "On caps, right turn, quick march". A bit of a kangaroo court as they already know what sentence they're going to pronounce.

Thanks to David Axford for information regarding Requestmen and Defaulters


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